Today is Mardi Gras, also known as Fat Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday, and Fasnacht Day. It is the day before the beginning of the forty day Christian season of Lent, a time for self-reflection during which people traditionally gave up what they considered to be indulgent foods such as butter, lard, oils, and sugar. So, what better way to rid the cabinets of butter, lard, oils, and sugar than to make doughnuts and pastries the day before Lent begins?!

I’m half joking…I have eaten many a doughnut on previous Fasnacht Days, but did I enjoy them? No. Well, maybe for the 1.2 minutes it took me to consume the doughnut(s) when my tastebuds were turned on and the sugar rushed into my bloodstream and my head was filled with happy thoughts of childhood. But then…then I was left alone with new thoughts (“You shouldn’t have eaten that. It’s so bad for you! You have NO willpower. What’s wrong with you? This is a terrible way to start Lent. You’d better make up for this by not eating anything bad for the next forty days”). This was followed by the agony of self-loathing, which often continued for a day or two before my will dissolved and I again reached for one of my so-labeled “BAD FOODS”.

So, since I have struggled with this cycle in previous years and since Lent is typically a more quiet season that allows for the opportunity to be still and pay attention to the myriad little things going on around us and inside our minds, hearts, and spirits, I think I will try to employ some mindfulness techniques for the next forty days. I don’t think it will be easy. But maybe, just maybe, I can actually enjoy a doughnut or pastry today and be okay with it. And maybe mindfulness will help me with my Lenten discipline of not putting sugar in my hot tea and with my early morning “centering prayer”.

How will you use mindfulness in the coming days and weeks?

Peace, joy, and health,

–Megan

Love is a laugh shared with a friend over a slice of pizza.

Love is a “well done” from parents who witnessed my struggle.

Love is a hand-written thank you note from my brother.

Love is a home-cooked meal enjoyed with my partner.

Love is a head-butt from an affectionate cat.

Love is being free to eat whatever my body needs and wants.

Love is opening my heart to receiving, not just giving.

Love is daring to embrace my fears.

Love is feeling like I’ve finally found my true self.

Love is wanting to shout THANK YOU, GOD from my roof.

Love is sharing my story with others.

Love is never giving up hope that recovery is possible for all who struggle.

Peace, joy, health and LOVE,

Megan

Well, today I am quite aware of how wonderful my body is at telling me what it needs, in terms of nutrition. You see, I’ve been sick with a 24-hour stomach bug. The first thing I was craving when I woke up and the sickness had passed was water. After slowly sipping that and coming more alive, I could almost hear my body saying, “ginger ale!” Maybe it’s just ’cause ginger ale was a staple when I was sick as a kid, but there’s something so nice about the semi-flat ginger taste when I’m recuperating and some swear by the healing powers of ginger. When I’m feeling more hydrated, I think I’ll eat some saltines. I guess my body knows when it needs to replenish its sodium and also realizes that white flour is easier to digest than whole grain flours.

I’m sure I’ll eventually be craving the full gammot of foods again — and at that point, discerning what my body is craving versus what my emotional self is craving may be more difficult. For now it’s nice to just turn off my brain and let my body do the work it was created to do.

Bodies are amazing!

Peace, joy, and health.

–Megan

Dear Ms. Perfect,

I realize it’s been quite a long time since I wrote to you. I’m also now realizing that silence is not golden. It seems as though you need a reminder that I do not need, or want, your opinions anymore. Yes, there was a time in my life when I thought you were helpful. Your constant chatter — “You can do better” and “An A- isn’t good enough” and “Don’t eat that food, it’s BAD for you” — gave me something to focus on and control when other things in my life were chaotic. I even agreed with you back then: yes, if I get an A instead of an A-, people might like me more and yes, if I don’t eat that BAD food, I might be skinnier and if I’m skinnier, I’ll be happier. You know how THAT story went.

I finally realized in 2005 that you make empty promises. You claim that perfection is attainable. You argue that I won’t or can’t be happy until I do better, look better, am better. You pretend that relationships are formed and built on how smart, how talented, and how pretty I am. Guess what? I’ve learned the truth. All of that is a lie.

I’ve learned to be happy with who I am, not how smart I am, how talented, or how pretty. I’ve recognized (finally) that perfection is a myth and that spending all my time trying to attain the unattainable is agony. I’ve formed dozens of close relationships just by opening up my heart, being willing to listen to someone, or sharing a bit of my inner self.

So, Ms. Perfect, when you started talking in my ear again this week, telling me to look prettier, act more proper, and stay at work late to finish everything and impress others, I whispered, “no”. But now that I have more strength, I’m shouting it: NO! I will not cater to your unrealistic demands that have never given me anything other than stomach ailments, racing thoughts and insomnia. I know the TRUTH about what’s expected of me in life and perfection is not it.

I hope I won’t have to talk to you about this again soon. But if so, I’m strong enough.

Peaceably, healthfully, and joyfully NOT yours,

Megan

Reaching out through outreach efforts gave me self-confidence and a sense of pride in all I had accomplished on my journey to recovery from B.E.D. It helped me practice my public speaking skills and narrow down my thoughts on what was most helpful and important in recovery. To my surprise, the years of agony that I endured while stuck in B.E.D., have led to countless moments of peace, joy, and health (which you’ll note is my closing line of each post).

Reaching out to others may begin with just joining a support group in which you share your struggles. It may start with  seeing a counselor or a nutritionist. It may begin with you telling your loved ones how much you’ve been struggling to break free from disordered eating and low self-esteem. Once the healing of recovery begins, though, I imagine you’ll want others to know that they, too, can break free and live at peace.

Next month we will celebrate National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. The theme of the week this year is, “Everybody knows somebody”. It’s sad, but at this point, everybody knows somebody (who knows somebody) who has struggled with disordered eating or distorted body image. Since that is true, there is an even greater need for those of who are recovering or recovered to reach out and share our stories.

How will you begin to reach out?

Peace, joy, and health!

–Megan

Do you know what’s enough for you to handle? Do you know your own limits? Do you have an emotional and/or mental breaking point after which all efforts are useless? I do. After years of self-soothing through binge-eating, I now know the telltale signs that I am headed for emotional collapse, reaching my limits. Knowing these signs allows me to take action before I reach “meltdown” and has been a huge part of overcoming binge-eating disorder.

First, I get cranky. Ask any of my close friends and loved ones and they’ll nod their head (while hesitantly looking at me for confirmation) and say, “Yes, Megan gets irritable when she has had enough of stress.”

The next stage for me is distraction. You have something important to tell me and you need my undivided attention. Forget about it! You’ll get a smile and an “mm-hmm” while I nod my head like a robot, barely registering what you’re saying but unable to tell you I am stuck in my own thoughts and need space.

That’s what it’s really all about…a need for isolation from everyone. When I’m reaching my limits, instead of reaching for food, I try to retreat into the quiet of a room, close my eyes, and breathe. I have a peaceful place that I visualize…my dream house, if you will. And in my visualization (imagination), my house is always quiet. There is never another soul around. Just me and several cats. I usually picture myself sitting on the front porch on a porch swing or in a rocking chair, looking out at my imaginary front yard and it is peaceful. Once I’m settled in there, I try to look all around me and make my internal picture even more vivid. In fact, each time I visit this peaceful place, I see it in more detail. I’ve gone to this peaceful place in my mind so often now, that it’s really easy to put myself there and to feel the sense of calm wash over me as soon as I “arrive”.

When enough is enough for you, do you have some strategies for recharging your batteries? Just take a few minutes for yourself before reaching for the food that you know will be a quick fix to your emotional discomfort. Allow yourself to stop trying so hard and simply be.

Peace, joy, and health.

–Megan

Saturday – I am a strong and confident woman.

Clearly, this one won’t apply to everyone, but by now you get the idea. I think when I wrote this one almost four years ago, I was talking about being physically strong, not just emotionally. But now I generally do feel physically and emotionally strong and I definitely feel more confident than I did four years ago.

In my counseling work, I have the opportunity to be amazed (almost on a daily basis) at the resilience and strength of human beings. Yet, my personal experience and professional work have revealed that those who appear quite strong to others, often have the least confidence in themselves. Perhaps there’s a difference between making the world believe you can handle anything and actually believing it yourself. I know that confidence grows little by little, one day at a time. And maybe confidence is the more valuable trait — there will certainly be things that blindside us and leave us feeling weak and vulnerable. But if we are confident that we can accept the momentary vulnerability and confident in our ability to reach out to others, then maybe that’s ultimately the same thing as strength.

Just some food for thought on this last day of my week of affirmations. Keep up the positive self-talk.

Peace, joy, and health.

–Megan

Friday – I give myself permission to stop obsessing about my weight and shape.

I’ll admit that the wording of that one is a little strange, but I can remember why I wrote it as such. It was shortly after a counselor noticed that I was “allowing food to take up a lot of space” in my head. She asked me how much rent I was charging and when I laughed and said, “none”, she said, “You’re the landlord of your brain. You decide how much space each thought gets.”

I like that concept. It’s up to us how much we obsess about certain things and how much “space” they take up in our brains. Sure, sometimes the thoughts are automatic and intrusive, but cognitive therapy can help with that. So, when I wrote this affirmation, I was finally telling myself “it’s okay to think about something else”.

Do you need to give yourself permission to let go of something you’ve been holding on to? It’s healthy to think about exercise and nutrition a little bit each day, but there is a balance. See what you can do to find balance between your physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social pursuits so that one thought doesn’t end up taking up so much space that there’s no room for anything else.

Peace, joy, and health.

–Megan

Thursday – Fat and weight have no relation to my self-worth.

It’s true! Unfortunately, this one has taken me over a decade to believe. In high school, college, and early adulthood, I was so quick to dismiss everything positive about myself. I thought that if I didn’t have a thin, attractive body — no matter how talented, charming, or well-liked I was — I was of little worth on this planet. I’m amazed that I now know differently.

I came to that understanding very slowly and it began with a counselor asking me to make a list of people I admired for one reason or another. She said I should make the list as long as I possibly could. I came up with about eight people in a minute. She then asked me to review the list with her. What did I admire about each person? After I shared my reasons, she said, “you never once said, ‘I admired that person because she was thin or attractive.’” I paused. She went a step further and asked me to consider whether anyone on my list was what society would consider overweight. I said, “yeah. All but one of them.” Bigger pause. I was beginning to see that there really was a difference between the contributions an individual makes to the world and their size and shape. In fact, there was little correlation (or you could argue that I saw a correlation whereby people who I admired were NOT known for their athletic bodies or hourglass figures).

Our society and the media continually reinforce the idea that we are nothing unless we are attractive and thin. This goes for both men and women. Men who do not fit the “athletic build” and women who do not have an “hourglass figure” are subtly (and not so subtly) told they are inferior. Signs at my local gym proclaim that I can be a happier person if I lose weight (using their patented fitness program, of course). The sign not only shows a smiling person, but one who is holding hands with someone of the opposite gender…suggesting that thinness equals attractiveness and attractiveness equals desirability. Take it one step further and desirability equals being worthy of love.

Sometimes I get frustrated with the amount of damage that needs to be undone in the U.S. People are desperately in need of healing. I know I’m not going to impact many on this planet, but if I can impact just a few, then that is a start. Will you start today by trying to accept that you are important and worthy of love and respect? Truly, fat and weight have no relation to self-worth, as much as the world wants us to think otherwise.

Peace, joy, and health.

–Megan

Wednesday – I love my whole self…body, mind, and spirit.

Now that is a great affirmation! It’s a reminder that there is more to each of us than just our physical selves – our daily intellectual and spiritual pursuits are just as important as how much we exercised (or didn’t) and what we ate (or didn’t). However, this statement doesn’t say, “I love me for more than my body.” It includes the body…it says “I love my whole self.” The body is included in that.

Let’s be honest, how many of us actually, truly love our bodies? Yet, when you think about it, bodies are amazing things! No matter the shape, size, abilities, or limitations of our bodies, they allow us to experience the world around us –  some of us through all five of the senses, others of us through fewer, but heightened senses. Last week, I was marveling at my body’s ability to heal itself. One day I woke up with excruciating back pain that left me hobbling around. The next day, after signficant rest and several physical therapy exercises, my back was significantly healed. And even when our bodies don’t heal themselves, there can be emotional and spiritual healing instead.

So, think about it for a moment. Maybe we can, just for right now, say “I love my whole self…body, mind, and spirit.” And maybe if we keep saying it, we’ll come to believe it.

Peace, joy, and health!

–Megan