I don’t think I can count the number of times I have walked away from the scale and then heard a voice inside me (no doubt my former eating disorder or, “Ed”) say, “You really need to know what you weigh”, and then cave in and weigh myself. Usually that first weigh-in isn’t so bad, but within a few weeks or months I’m weighing myself with increasing frequency and placing more emphasis on the number I see.
About six weeks ago, I started weighing myself again after not doing so for a few months. My weight was within what I’ve established over the years as my “normal range”. So, why then, did the voice of Ed start telling me that the number was “too high”? And why did I agree with Ed and start keeping a log of my weight and food intake? And why didn’t I notice this behavior as a slide back into my disordered eating habits? I guess without knowing it, I allowed the “religion of thinness” to take hold of me again. *sigh* It’s easy to do, especially with my time off from the university this summer — more quiet time which could be spent involved in mindful attention to my body’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, but instead has (thus far) been spent thinking about how much weight I should lose, how quickly I can safely lose it, and why I haven’t lost any weight yet.
So, I decided today that it’s time (yet again) to walk away from the scale. I don’t know how others who are recovered from eating disorders deal with the scale, but I can say for sure that the decision to weigh myself (or not) and how often has been one I frequently flip-flop on. I’m going to be okay with that. Today I feel like trusting my body. Today I feel like exercising for fun and not for weight loss. Today I feel like taking note of how I feel in my clothes (right now, hot and sticky ’cause it’s so darn humid) instead of obsessing about the number I saw on the scale at the gym this morning. Today I’m walking away from the scale. Maybe not forever, but for a while. Ed can take all his negative talk and shove it!
Peace to all,
PS– If you want to read my and other bloggers’ thoughts over the years on whether to weigh or not, check out these posts: Weight For Me! // What Does Someone’s Weight Tell You? // When Weight Becomes a Source of Happiness