I’ve done more crying in one year than I have over many years prior. Yet, each time I cry, I feel better. Having spent years of my life bottling my emotions and then bingeing in order to dull them, it feels good to give myself permission to cry…as often as I need to. I have cried in anger, in sorrow, in disgust, and in despair. At times, the tears have spilled down my cheeks for just a moment. Other times, they gushed on and off for hours, even days.
Yet, I’m not ashamed to cry. Crying feels like an important part of my life right now — a stepping stone to some deeper self-awareness and greater self-compassion. I never thought I’d get to a point where it feels okay to express myself in this way. For too long, I believed that I should hold everything in. But now, in my journey towards living a more authentic life, I realize that openness and emotional expression are important (and healing) to me.
I also realize that openness and emotional expression are uncomfortable for some. Being honest about one’s thoughts and feelings is not valued in our society. Instead, we’re sold the idea that we should “buy this” or “eat that” in order to look a certain way or impress a certain person and JUST BE HAPPY. When a friend of mine shared with me this week their discomfort about my openness, I felt hurt. My instinct was to retreat inside my shell again, put on a happy face and never be vulnerable to hurt again.
But the truth is, it hurts more to hold it in. It now feels wrong to just put on a happy face. Of course, I’m still learning to whom I can express myself openly and with whom I should hold back. But I’m not going to walk on eggshells anymore and worry about offending someone by just being me: a deep thinker, a sensitive person, a self-aware soul.
No more apologies. I am ME. And I am beautiful…even when I cry.
Peace and healing tears,