Last week I wrote a blog post called, “Surrender” (click here to read it), in which I talked about my ability to let go of body insecurity (and other fears) and just live in the present. Well, just eight days later, it seems that the serenity I had about surrendering myself to the moment is a distant memory. In place of serenity and surrender are fear and control.
I’m not sure when in the past eight days I started to hear that insidious voice of fear and self-criticism, but it’s been growing louder and louder. In addition, the mindful body habits I engaged in two weeks ago have been replaced with body scrutiny, frequent weighing, increased exercise, calorie counting, and constant checking (looking in mirrors, pinching/poking/squeezing body fat, and retaking photos of myself until I look “thin enough”). The more I tune into the fear, the more convinced I am that control is the only way to go. The worst part is, the more I try and fail to control myself, the more miserable I feel.
This is a painful place to be in. I’ve been here many times before and I’m trying to figure out why I’m back here again. What triggered this return to unhelpful thoughts and behaviors? What does this setback have to teach me?
With a busy weekend in front of me, during which I’ll be at a birthday party, a dinner out, and a barbecue, I hope to change my focus from my food to my feelings. Perhaps if I acknowledge my feelings before eating, if I focus on the joy of being at social events with friends, and if I journal about any unresolved feelings at the end of each day, I’ll be able to regain that serenity and surrender.