I seem to be writing in this blog only once a year for the past few years, and often in the mid-to-late spring. I guess for me spring is a time of emergence from the more still and quiet months of winter. It’s a time to put into action the awarenesses I gained in the first few months of the year. This year is no exception: I’m coming to terms with the fact that this winter I slipped back into unhealthy eating habits and let some cognitive distortions take over. As I dealt with back-to-back depressive episodes, I found myself with little appetite. When my doctor weighed me last month, I had dropped a significant amount of weight and was alarmed. That is, until that familiar eating disorder voice started talking: “This is good. You didn’t even have to try. The weight just came off.” And now that I’m emerging from my depression, that voice is still talking: “Don’t eat too much. Don’t eat X, Y, or Z or you’ll regain the weight you lost.” I sense that voice trying to regain a hold on me, wanting to resume its place in my life–a place from which I had banished it a decade ago.
But that voice will not win. I am choosing to regroup–taking time to stop, think, and reorganize. I’m letting go of unhealthy behaviors and practicing mindful eating again. I’m relearning to savor and enjoy food–its colors, textures, smells, and flavors. I’m reconnecting with activities and people who nourish my mind, heart, and soul. I’m admitting this setback to my therapist and to God, trusting they will guide me back to health.
Are you experiencing a setback of any kind? Maybe it’s time to regroup. Take time to pause, think, and lean on those who truly love and support you. You can do this.