In 2008, when I self-published “Getting Out of B.E.D.: Overcoming Binge-Eating Disorder One Day at a Time”, I was 31 years old. I am now almost 46. I’m relieved to say I don’t struggle nearly as often or as much with body criticism. And, thankfully, bingeing is a thing of the past. But I’m writing this post because I know I can’t be the only one recovered from an eating disorder and with a history of negative body image who is experiencing a recurrence of body scrutiny and negativity as they age.
I was never someone who wore makeup. Well, I did a few times in high school and college, but as soon as I put it on, I felt oddly ashamed, like I was covering up “the real Megan”. I think it’s been 20 years since I wore any. And, as I learned to love my body over the past 15 years, I let go of the intense weight-lifting and substituted more nature walks. I saw wrinkles begin to crease my face and reframed them as “smile lines” and “evidence of my life’s story”. I even told myself “When my hair turns gray, I won’t dye it. I’ll just go au natural.”
But lately, that old voice — the one that used to compel me to suck in my stomach, compulsively work out, sit up straighter, wear clothes that hide the “bad” parts” — is getting bolder. “Those are more than just ‘life experience lines’ — those are real wrinkles!” “The gray has gotten out of hand. Time to dye it.” “These skin tags and age spots have to go.” “This hair is so thin, you better do something about it or you’ll be bald within a few years.” It all sounds a little ridiculous when I write it out (so maybe doing so will give that voice less power). But I did buy and take my first dose of hair regrowth vitamins today!
A part of me is wondering if there’s a “both-and” here instead of just an “either-or”. In order to be emotionally well, do I have to abandon any attempt to hide my age or slow the aging process? Can I do something (like try to thicken my hair) and not get swept away in a tide of anti-wrinkle creams, hair dyes, and age-defying serums? I think so.
But probably the deeper work for me (and maybe others going through this) involves exploring these questions:
- What does it mean to me that I’m aging?
- What am I afraid of losing? (Other than my hair!)
- What messages from the media have I been consuming and how might I remember that those messages are designed to sell a product, to make someone wealthy?
- How might I both hold space for the fear I feel about my changing appearance and embrace the changes?
- What new forms of beauty (non-physical) are emerging from within me that I may be overlooking while focused solely on my appearance?
That last one seems most important. In fact, it was one of the things that saved me in the early days of my recovery — remembering that I am a whole human being, not just a physical body. Noticing my personality, identifying my values, engaging in what brings me joy, sharing Love with others, affirming my core Self, nurturing my spirituality — all of these were essential to my recovery then and I’m certain they will help me now.
May we all reconnect with our inner wholeness, that immutable part of us that can never be annihilated — not by our thoughts or behaviors, nor by aging or even death.
Peace,
Megan
One Day at a Time: Thoughts on Getting Out of B.E.D. 